Fear is what keeps people from coming to therapy for a long time. Avoiding what is scary or hard. That’s natural—we’re only human. Once a person realizes that fear is becoming a huge deterrant and obstacle in his or her life, I usually meet them in therapy.

At the beginning, the road seems long, winding, and endless. Change can feel too hard, the challenges insurmountable. However, with weekly sessions, steady focus, and careful attention to implementing new skills, people get there more quickly than they realize. All of a sudden, they have turned the corner and their lives look different: the way they interact in their relationships, approach decision making, and respond in situations where they feel afraid. Yes respond; not react. Reflect, not jump to conclusions. They are curious instead of being embroiled in false narratives.

The realization of arriving at this point gives me chills. I love this because it’s the product of the work; I hate it because I will soon bid this person goodbye. I love the work I do, but the goal is to work myself out of a job. I want people to learn how to address the challenges they face and be able to sustain that over time. We do that by developing the Courage Compass, which gives each person his or her own set of directions that run like an engine to maintain the momentum.

The turning point of the work is when people change their relationship with fear. Fear becomes a PROPELLANT and not a DETERRENT. People move forward by being brave and afraid, not avoidant or ambivalent.

Ok, so you may wonder… How do I upgrade my operating system to brave and afraid? It’s a complicated question with a simple answer: you learn to trust yourself. When we respond to fear with avoidance, we don’t trust that we can handle the situation in a productive way.

Here’s a quick start guide to increase your self-trust:

• Review past successes and use them as evidence that you are capable

• How were you successful, what decisions did you make, what qualities did you draw upon, etc.?

• Get curious. About everything. What stories are you making up about things you fear? Reality check to see if those stories are true.

• Take baby steps. Practice being assertive with a cashier before you try it with a close friend or loved one.