I’ve had many realizations over the last several months as people have been having many emotions and reactions to the pandemic, the sociopolitical climate, and the ambivalence about returning to school.

A frequent conversation I’ve been having is that loneliness does not equal rejection.

People feel symptoms of anxiety from myriad causes. Feeling “not good enough” due to being rejected is a common source. Digging deeper into this, many people who experienced being bullied and/or excluded as a child/teen ended up spending a lot of time alone for protection or by default. The feeling of loneliness followed feeling rejected, and the link between the two was solidified.

Fast forward to the pandemic where many are forced to isolate, be alone, or only see handful of people. | Loneliness | While everyone’s story is different and each has a different journey to healing, I am simplifying the sequence of events for brevity and clarity.

SHAME SPIRAL

Even though that we know they have not been rejected on a rational level, their subconscious doesn’t know that. This prompts ruminating thoughts about who has not texted back, who doesn’t want to try to have a socially distant gathering and why, who hasn’t called, etc. While there are many reasons to explain the lack of response, it is too easy to assume there’s something wrong with me, or they don’t want to be around me. This quickly turns into: I’m not worthy of belonging. This is what shame is.

We’re wired for connection, not isolation. Shame is a primitive emotion designed to give us negative reinforcement if we’re separated from the “pack.” We long to belong. If by yourself, it’s an easy jump to thinking that there must be something wrong with you; thus being alone, or feeling lonely, means that you were rejected.

Experiencing loneliness and rejection concurrently so often leads to a difficulty distinguishing between the two. The reason we feel lonely doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with rejection. It has to do with survival right now. If we’re around too many people, it could lead to illness and death.

The social deprivation, lack of physical connection and touch through hugs, closeness, as well as the emotional intimacy that arises from shared experiences does lead to feelings of loneliness. Loneliness is a valid and appropriate emotion in response to these unprecedented times of forced isolation. Rejection is an interpretation of the emotion (I know, getting too therapist-y). We assign meaning to the feeling of loneliness, but that doesn’t mean the interpretation is accurate.

Reality Check

The awareness of this automatic connection is the first step to stopping the shame spiral. Recognizing the physical sensations that arise from feeling rejected and being able to reality check what’s happening is the next step. Breathing, taking some time to reflect, and riding out the discomfort is important. Talking about it and continuing to work through what is underneath the loneliness is the longer work.

If loneliness is feeling unusually painful, check in with yourself to see if it has roots in experiences of rejection.