Communication can feel like a minefield. Especially for people who are wary of hurting others’ feelings. Why that is and what to do about it is for a different blog. This is more of a “how-to” for approaching someone, confronting them (scary), or trying to hold them accountable. This could be when someone goes back on their word, when someone contradicts their words with their actions (says one thing and does another), or isn’t seeing the consequences of their choices.

If you say things like or are on the receiving end of: Well, I think you should just…Why don’t you…Why haven’t you…What are you even doing? Can’t you see? You may feel or be met with defensiveness or shame shields of defensiveness, attacking back, retreating, etc. This can lead many to want to avoid these things altogether. This reinforces a cycle of avoidance-resentment-eventual conflict.

So here is a twist on this dilemma. Instead of pointing AT someone in a somewhat accusatory manner that can seem judgmental and elicit shame, let’s try to point OUT.

First: Ask the person (or ask your partner to ask you) if they are open to feedback. [Read: this is a recognition of a boundary. If the answer is no, do not proceed.]

• Casually, conversationally, gently. “Hey are you open to feedback on _______ ?”

• Not: Do you want my opinion, do you want to know what I think you should do, why would you do that, you never follow through, you always say that and never….

If yes: point out what you observe, point out the facts of what just occurred. Do not: prescribe, interpret, suggest, or inquire about anything. Any.thing.

• You said you wanted to _______ and now you are _____________.

• I asked you to pick up the dry cleaning and that didn’t happen.

• You don’t like when your friend texts you in the middle of the night, but to my knowledge, you haven’t told her that.

Then: Ask something like— What are your thoughts on that? How do you see it? What is your perspective? What have you noticed? These are open ended questions that do not have an implicit agenda. [Those questions would sound like: Don’t you think? See? Don’t you agree? Now can you understand? Don’t you know what you should do? Why haven’t you done that?]

Here is why I think this is important: You can’t put the bullet back in the gun. You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. You can’t take back your words once they are said. Verbal bullets that get fired when we are pointing the gun AT them can leave a permanent impact. Holding people accountable is challenging, but important if there is going to be trust and safety in the relationship. This requires gentleness, respect, and a non-reactive stance.

In Brené Brown’s recent book, Atlas of the Heart, she writes this about accountability: ”…when you hold someone accountable for hurtful behaviors and they feel shame, that’s not the same as shaming someone. I am responsible for holding you accountable in a respectful and productive way. I am not responsible for your emotional reaction to that accountability.” When I think about it, I think this problem stems from judgment being used as manipulation— a way of making others change according to our own agenda, preference, or expectation. Holding someone accountable doesn’t sound like judgment. It sounds like truth. It’s holding up a mirror for them to reflect. Literally.

Remember step one from above: ask if someone is open to feedback FIRST. This allows you to back up when and if someone is reacting in a way that makes you uncomfortable or disrespecting you. You could then say something like: “I’m sensing this is still a difficult topic and you aren’t quite open to receiving this feedback yet.” The person may still be boiling over with reactivity, but you can choose to leave, remain calm and not feed into the behavior, listen but not respond. In addition, this provides some information to you about that person’s boundary of saying yes (that they were open to feedback) when they meant no.

If we can sense that a YES means “Yes, I’m open to feedback” it can shift the whole conversation, mood, and outcome of a conversation. Shame and blame can be sidestepped for respect, curiosity, and reflection.