The holidays bring up SO much for SO many. First, there is the nostalgia that brings back memories and meaning from our childhoods. Second, there is the grief over the people who helped to create those memories but are no longer here to celebrate with us. Third, we have new family members to celebrate with, who have their own traditions and expectations. Fourth, financial stress. Fifth, deciding whom to visit when.
So many decisions amongst the expectations-- it makes your head spin.
Let's first acknowledge that it's natural to have expectations. We want to re-create the magic from our childhoods because well, it was magical. There are also cultural influences about how many gifts one should give or be given, and how the holiday table should represent a Pinterest board or a Hallmark movie.
However, it's important to be mindful of our expectations and not buy into them totally. If we are not aware and let those unspoken, unacknowledged expectations guide us through the holiday season, we are setting ourselves up for resentment and disappointment, not to mention conflicts.
What is one to do? First, you have to really get honest with yourself about what your expectations are and the extent to which they are reasonable. Second, think about having a discussion with your family- both nuclear and extended- about what their expectations are. What can be done to honor expectations or make compromises to meet as many needs as possible?
If recreating the past is not an option, which it often is not, what meaningful experiences, memories, or new traditions can be started? A cookie baking party or a cookie exchange? If sugar is a problem, perhaps a healthy holiday food contest. Some families volunteer during the holidays to give back, some donate toys or gift cards to needy families, some do creative gift giving to manage costs like a white elephant or Pollyanna/Secret Santa.
Is there a ritual you could create to honor lost loved ones so they are not forgotten? Is there a special grace or start to a meal that could set a special tone? This year I am integrating a memorial ritual into our holiday dinner by having people write a lost loved one's name on a small stone. We will silently or communally speak about our loved one who we wish could be with us this year, and then place all of the stones in a jar or a bowl. This is a way to create space and time to honor their memory.
Getting creative helps change the tone, mood and energy of the season. Which family members or friends can or want to participate in making new traditions? People will relish the fun and newness of the experience and feel excited to be a part of new traditions.
If you need some more support in surviving the holidays, I've created a free Holiday {Emotional} Survival Guide to speak to common stressors: managing expectations, loneliness + grief, and family drama. Click below to get yours sent straight to your inbox.
Cheers to a low stress and meaningful holiday season, however and with whomever you celebrate.